Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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