I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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