hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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