phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
