Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We had sex on a dog bed..
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
