Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
