There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
