I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
