after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
