Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
