Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
