don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It's blow job season.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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