you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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