My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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