I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
