he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
