when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
