I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
