Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
