if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
