If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize