is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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