You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
