Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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