I can't watch pbs sober anymore
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
