May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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