On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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