I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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