Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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