my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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