you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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