the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
