I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
