i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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