another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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