the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
