Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
