Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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