booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
