i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
