my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
