Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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