I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
