she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
