Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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