i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
