1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
