you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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