just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
