How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
