Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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