You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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